Kelly Flowers

writer

…And For My Next Trick, I Can Make An Hour Disappear!

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nothing_productiveToday, I spent the better part of my writing time on Yelp. Yeah. Yelp. It’s called procrastination, people.

It started innocently enough, with a list item even. I wanted to Yelp my doula, who I adore. Then I thought “Well, while I’m here…” And so it began. An hour later, I had reviewed a couple places and people. But mostly, I spent the time reading other Yelp reviews. And I’ve come to a conclusion… 

Some of the best writers of today are writing satire reviews on Yelp. (And probably procrastinating on the editing of their own novel. See. There’s hope for me.) Seriously, it was a wormhole of funny. The way things are funny when they’re not meant to be. “That experience was how awful? Haha. Good one!” People have amazing storytelling talent for a bad time.

But this was the delight of my wasted hour.

At the end of my street, there is a donut shop; a nondescript place with swiveling chairs that are probably coated in decades powdered sugar and jelly. And it took a while to discover it because, until four years ago, I wasn’t a donut person. I know. I know. Gasp if you must. I was the one person that would order a bagel at a donut shop. And that, my friends, is how you find the worst bagels. But still not bad enough to turn me to donuts.

Alas, that was because my entire life I had been eating the WRONG donuts. This place was delicious. De.lici.ous.

And I feel some authority is saying so, since I am a recent convert. Just as all converts are given this credibility. You know “I don’t have a lot to compare it to but this is the best of _______ I’ve ever eaten of all the ________ I’ve ever had. Trust me on this.”

The only downside to this brave new world of donuts was the surliest little Thai woman that has ever owned a donut shop. Ask for change for a tip and she’ll huff at you. You want to add a donut to your order and you’ll get an eye roll and a sigh. No joke. For years, this woman has been known in our household/circle/neighborhood as… (Wait for it. Creativity abounds here) “Grumpy Donut Lady”!

Yeah, I know. We coined that beauty and were pretty pleased with our witty selves. Har har. But Yelp reviewers have not only plagiarized our unique title for Grumpy Donut Lady, they have trumped our rhetoric with a slew of comical reviews. These people are not even offended as much as left scratching their heads.

Honestly, that’s usually what I feel when someone is disproportionately rude. Humor. Be subtle and I might be offended but super rude is just comical to me. I’m too surprised to feel angry. There’s actually people out there that act like that? I thought that kind of nasty was only played by villains on the CW tv shows.

So I frittered (see what I did there?) the time I could have spent writing a thoughtful/personal/work related blog, reading strangers wry commentary and cry-laughing. Because the best part is, these people somehow find the surly little Thai woman just as lovable (in a grumpy donut lady kind of way) as we do! Great minds… Oh. Great minds…

And the procrastination continues…

giphy

 

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